Amanda's Flight

My update Amanda’s Journey

:::::: This was when I was first coming out into the social media portion of facing addiction. I began finding it fascinating that I was able to be in the mental health and also recovery and still hold an influential voice this was my way of ensuring that I spoke up for the victims and the survivors like myself

It was about a year ago when I wrote down my story on how I felt that addiction had impacted my world and not everyone responding in a positive way. It was not a factor of blame or anything it was my coming to terms with understanding how my world had been so conflicting. I used to think of myself as ​ a source of salvation for people to not feel the cruelness that my world felt like it consisted of, then my eyes opened when I was given the miracle of my daughter. I can't lie and I won't. I learn about the different ways that each person recovers. I sit back and embrace the different ideas, because I am just like everyone of you trying to get my shit together and put my world into perspective, now I was pissed when I first did my story and there was no filter.

I was so sick and tired of trying and within the spirit of keeping this real pardon my French. I went completely screw you mode on everyone to hell with your accusations and stupid rumors you want reality I gave them no filter and trust me I was no saint about it, I was not in the mood to have anyone try and make me feel any guiltier about the shit that I did than I already did. Now I was a triple threat survived what some people would consider impossible to overcome but in spirit with my new journey I want to look ahead and not dwell on that. When you come into my job and see me sitting behind the desk with a very goofy demeanor people never even think of the things that I have overcame and what I do hell even my family which that really sucks because as addicts we have questions and we feel like we failed to start off with.

I don't talk about meetings I don't know much about them I guess my idea of meetings to start recovering was using and then talking I knew people were not listening but yet I felt better but each time I continued trying to make sense of the same shit instead of sticking with one theory. My mind always has played tricks on me causing me to feel sad and dark and instead of helping me to find an outlet the psychologists wanted to sedate me and it would have killed me because this was causing me to remain trapped within myself. Then I turned into an adult who was pissed off and confused and was so hell bent on showing everyone I would live a normal life be a great mom and a loving wife. I did AWESOME with that married someone to gain a family that I always wanted and instead here I sit grateful for where my life has brought me you see like you all I lost everything I loved I risked it all in order to find something better. My idea of better is being able to really sit with my 16 year old high school senior knowing that she has walked this journey and saw this hell she knows nothing about the struggle to come to terms with the things I had to go through and the decisions that I made. I see myself in my daughter and this scares me yet makes me proud because it means that I did something right.

The day my life really changed and I knew where I wanted to be was when I was in a crackhouse staying didn't know half of the people and I was not about to lower myself to continue being treated as a common piece of dirt. I heard the bounty hunter was looking for me and I had a warrant I literally chased him down and was like you are looking for me. I had no clue the ways to get help for the way that I was feeling and then somehow I was led to these forums and with the right resources I have became quite inspired and have one hell of a team that stands behind me. And I am not one of the fake people that will sit back and tell you my way is the right way because it may not be all I have been doing is being myself compassionate empathetic and willing to lend an ear and try to put into words what you are trying to say and to share my experiences so that you can realize that life is cruel but we can be more then just someone who everyone gave up on.

Trust me I literally had no one for most of my life and not because of something I did and not because my parents were assholes but because that was the path I had to take to be strong enough to face the shit that I do, the first thing I just did was wrote a story about a woman who I met through a forum, her 3 children were all dealing with addiction and she ended up having to bury two of her sons one who was getting his life on track due to a tragic motorcycle accident and theother son overdosed 6 months after September first her and I spent remembering the life that he had and the grace that his life brought the people around him and we also celebrated the life of Todd who passed in March and is survived by his twin, so the toll my journey has brought to me has been nothing short of amazing and it all came from wanting to help someone else out now I am no longer afraid to stand out and I have done a lot of things that I never realized that I would be able to I don't say to people to just smoke weed everyday, but I also do not deny the factor that it plays in my life. I do not glorify it instead I don't debate much on the topic as it is controversial now does this make me still an active addict a lot of opinions would be yes, to the people like myself who are aware of the different aspects to our disease I am in recovery because I am willing to sit back and reach out to other people who ask for advice,

I write on my page constantly and am writing constant things that I see in a brighter sense instead of as someone who intent on death now I am intent on life and trying to help fight for people like me because the addiction is as real as the mental illnesses that we are plagued with and just when it feels like it is a battle that is not meant for the weary I know I was chosen to overcome and handle the things I did like a boss and now I have decided to take it to the next step.

We all can remain stuck within our hell or we can tell it to go to hell either way we are all in this situation together and I still find it kinda comical to this day that because when I reach out to an active addict and spend time with them I get the comment of you are relapsing, ummm no I am reaching out to show them that you can have a good time without needing to degrade yourself having a good time with just hanging out not worrying about what scam we have to come up with and get our drugs. I am constantly prejudged but I do not care. When I first came and posted my story I got a lot of negative feedback and it came along with threats because of people feeling that I was calling attention to my family shaming them on social media. And then the accusations of not telling the truth, my story was my healing and then I got threatened with being sued and all of the fun things that come along with it, well my story my truth and yeah notice that nothing changed including my path to continue to do what I am doing.

I am thankful for each person out there who reads my posts and takes time to share my story because I stand alone but I don't I have the strongest army behind me putting the match under my ass motivating me so if anyone feels like they have something to say and just can't put it in wunabords and you want me to give it a shot I don't charge any money and I am not in it for fame or fortune I just want to continue to be someone who can help and share my gift with the world. So without further ado this goes out to all of you here right now.

I was lost, unable to find my way from the depths of hell; each time I would attempt to succeed my mind reminded me why try if all I would do would be to fail. I looked back and thought I was unable to escape and break free, I was fearful I would never be able to find the truth behind the real me. I began to feel lost and like there was nothing left for me to do, other than to wait until I would be a statistic too. Who would have imagined after all of my crimes, I would be living freely and dealing with everything one situation at a time. I do it sober who would have thought this would be a life that I could love, but I guess it is easy thinking about all of the people watching me supporting me from heaven up above. I also have a strong community that stands behind me so I guess this is what made it so easy for me to be set free.

This was me prior to my world completely finding itself destroyed by exotic dancing and sex trafficking.

#renegadestrong #mandersrenegades #getbigonem #gambo302

I AM FACING ADDICTION AND I WILL FIGHT WITH AND FOR YOU! I ALSO DEAL WITH MULTIPLE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES WE ARE NOT ALONE THERE IS HELP AND WE DO CARE PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP. This is dedicated to all of my fallen renegades, Julia Derrick Todd Woo Clayton Chris this list goes on so many have fallen as a result of not wanting to be judged.

JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED I call upon you to share your voices and I offer to display it in as much of an amazing form to share how you have your reason to fight. I represent unity. Join me June 22,2019 at the Nation's capitol to meet the motivator behind a movement but it is not only one you see this is why I always remained masked because each mask that was individually painted and given by me were representing each of us sitting in a silence that we carry shame.