Shattering the Stigma How Manders came to be.

I am sitting here and holding back tears because I miss my fuck heroin family so much and I am sitting here finally mustering the courage to write my reaction, knowing how this fucked up disease has taken its toll on my life. Let me tell you a story of a broken little girl who just wanted nothing more then to die, she had so much hope for people to be better yet the world was so cold and there has been nothing but silence in her corner. You see we all as addicts know the fantasy of escaping reality, a lot of us associate this with our foundation on turning to drugs in the first place as a coping skill. I never really understood the rationality of this because in reality I have been escaping something I never understood, here is my story and what I have learned through the past several years with the help of the fuck heroin foundation, my brother and my best friend.

How does a crackwhore and a junkie end up becoming the best of friends, easy through hope. When I first introduced myself to Frankie it was during a relapse and he had taken accountability and let us know that he needed help, I admired the hell out of this kid for his ability to share his journey and also be so passionate about saving as many people as he could even though he felt like he was a lost cause. I empathized with Frankie on so many levels and was so amazed that I reached out to find out where he was at, now with him being a media figure and in recovery I never imagined the impact that he would have in my world. This was in 2014, 5 years ago I wish I could go back, I sit and stare at the sign that we all made in Marion Ohio ( I will get to this.... I have the 2 years prior to meeting my heroes, without capes and no masks up until the day they met me!) You see I sent Frankie a renegade care package and this has always been my thing I like to do little random acts and leave a smile because people appreciate the smallest deeds and they make a difference trust me I know. I colored a bunch of cards and wrote inspirational messages to him and at first was not going to send them but a voice that I was all too aware of my psychic connection would not let me avoid sending it out so I did. Several months later I was asked to be part of Recovery Radio F.M Shattering the Stigma because Mama Dukes wanted me to tell people my story. I was amazed and it was the beginning of life altering things. I found recovery through this process by being myself I cried so many tears to this woman demanded so much of her time and she has always been my left hand. Without Lesha I don't think I would be anywhere other then trapped in a downward spiral she has taught me so much and became my rock.

After my first appearance I was asked to make another one I had just been asked to be the key speaker at my cousins wedding and by this time my family was incredibly proud of the woman I was becoming through the help of Clean Motifs which is the official name and also the true cause you see I am old school, I lost the desire to pick up long ago my brain won't allow me to get high yet I use medicinal and a lot of people pretend like I can not be a motivational speaker because I have a different idea of healing then other people. You also don't fight to keep 9 people with issues of their own caliber and also try to remain focused because with that many alters you constantly are in thought processes it burns you out me I have studied the ability to meditate and communicate with all of us *SELF* and maintain reality. I also was able to find my innocence through a procedure involving art and regression therapy, but yet I am the one everyone says has no value in our community. This is why we remain silent and don't say things because of the judgment and your shallow views. So next time you want to say that I am not in recovery because I can't pee in a cup and test negative for thc, well I politely give you the finger and watch my back side as I walk away and kiss it casually.

I am a VOICE I am a PROJECT IN THE MAKING and I am BRINGING A CHANGE not just on social media but right here in my own back yard well actually *Giggling* in our nation's back yard, oh did I mention that I am studying to be a peer counselor. I am very involved in community events I love doing outreach I love to perform singing and dancing and I also have no desire to act on my flashes that include the random thoughts of walking into traffic. These are my shoes that I have to walk so I have multiple tools that I use for my well being. I used to be so freaked out by the world and had so much guilt to display because of my past life, from childhood until now.... so prior to passing a judgment hear the truth, then draw your own conclusion. I don't need validation or a means to feed off of your trials and to take your picture along with your story of courage and use you as a puppet for my bulshit, you see I truly have taken my own funds and I am not going to lie to anyone and say that I know how your journey has been. I was a go go dancer crack addict.

Actually I was completely distraught because I had went undiagnosed for a great amount of years and it was okay, like when I began to remember and disclose my story I would literally drift away from the medication. This is probably why I never was a fan of turning to a drug that would take me to an alternate place, because maybe this is where it all started? My biggest sorrow in all of this turmoil in trying to find myself is how much pain it has cost me in figuring out the things I missed out on, and the shame for ever saying anything to anyone. Seriously I don't resent telling my brother and my best friend because they still love me and they don't judge me. The person in this community who has impacted me the most and has became so much of a clutch has no clue her worth and her meaning in my darkness, my buttkiss she is more then anything anyone can ever describe. You see this brings me to my point, we need more then one person to tell us the world sucks get your head out of your ass and you can do it, it is some shit right now but remember how much of a badass you are to make it this far. And you ask the bond and the stigma she shattered in my world she knows that daily I fight the fear that it will be my last day of ability to care for myself and I have no one to care for me. I had a complete stranger show up to give me the greatest gift in the world her time. You see Laura knows the trials that my illnesses cause because she truly is awesome. I would be lost without my Betty Wilma time where we just talk about life and there is motivation behind the cause

This has been the renegade energy and then because I like to study and break shit down and analyze it I became a bit of a political advocate and activist; let me clarify this statement because I have to be very careful this day and age due to the way this world has turned so ugly towards.