Tangled Web

At the age of one, it would already be known. My life was bound for hurdles to make me grow.

At the age of two I was robbed of my innocence I was raped by five eighteen year olds and a wooden broom.

By the age of three it seemed as if there was nothing but a dark cloud casted from previous sins to be inflicted upon me, I begin to find it harder and harder to breathe.

By the tender age of four what did I know? The thoughts and confusion in my mind not understanding why people look at me different what did I do wrong though?

By the age of five I was miserable I struggled to find the determination to survive. I was always getting yelled at and being put down… mom and dad would be better if I was no longer around.

By the age of six I was starting to show signs of behavioral issues they thought seeing a counselor would be an easy fix.

Age of seven feeling like everyone’s toy, I was an outcast always there for everyone else despite the bullying and the constant misery that I hid with fake smiles of joy.

At the age of eight; hell as you can tell my world is so damn great.. I see monsters everywhere I find it harder to fit in and I can’t relate..

By the age of nine I was in the hospital constantly because I was accident prone, I was just tired of everything I wanted to go home, where angels were free to roam…

At the age of ten I had two siblings and things were going to become more fucked up yet, by the way this is merely a summary on my views; stay tuned for the real saga of the shit I SURVIVED THROUGH@! With these thoughts in mind remember WE DO RECOVER words I shall never forget.

Here comes adolescence what can I say, I will shine a little light this way. I was very energetic yet cast to the side, I was one of the children that was trapped within her mind. I did not let my little voice be heard. Because I was scolded beaten or bullied surrounded by hate. I had a heart so pure and pretended life was always great. I was a gymnast and a daredevil to. I liked to be in nature around animals wild like me too. I would swing on grapevines down by the creek. I remember back when I had my cousins to keep me in line, back before life went totally awry. I was always in the newspaper for my unique and mysterious look, I was a beast trapped within a beauty just like in the book. Instead of the rose blooming the story would go, to the darkest realm imaginable just so you know…. I had a lot of things I was proud of though one of which you are witnessing my ability to let these words flow.

I was carefree I was still gentle I still wanted to believe I still was full of hope and belief.. The cruelty still has not removed these traits from me. I found a lot of adventure along with a lot of pain, a lot of anguish it drove me insane. Along with the next ten years I ask one thing from you as you continue to read feel no pity merely pride in what I am about to disclose to you. Before I begin with the age process once again remember this is my self reflection so please keep your opinion in until the very end. My story is unique and I was taught every story is meant to be told because by sharing my voice I might give another person the ability to come out and live finally wanting to grow old.

I was at the age of eleven when truly life went to hell, I began to lose sight of the world society in my eyes was beginning to fail. This was when life truly began to become handed to me and I began to question who I was meant to be. I was skipping school one day there were belt marks on my back I forget what I did this specific day. It was not unusual that much I can say. Mom’s boyfriend demanded head I looked at him he said he would grab my deaf sister instead. Once again a shallow point to my destiny a loaded gun to my head. You think this shit was easy let us continue to go remind you a bitch is only Eleven years old though….

At the age of twelve you find out the life that you lived all the hell and thoughts that you had, holy shit you find out you have a whole other family you have that “REAL DAD” What happens when you are so feral so hidden from a normal idea of reality this is what it is like to live in my world daily. In one year it was Pennsylvania Alaska Florida and back. To be honest I wish I never would have left the sanctuary of my dad if I was able to define the turning era this is where I went off track. Now in the military they understood what happened to me, they decided to turn it into PTSD. I already been through trials and defeat but I had to go into school for counseling and stay later it was embarrassing for me. Then you had them constantly getting it so that you needed to just chill this came in the form of an antipsychotic hello mr pill. A child just trying to understand wtf did I do so wrong man?

At the age of thirteen my luck it proceeds mom was in an accident and I flew home to take care of here but there was no home for me to see. I stood in an airport over an hour away, I knew and understood that I would never be wanted by anyone or anything that very day. I got lucky because they finally came, you could tell they did not want to be involved they loved me but they did not want to participate in this game. So everyone tried to come up with the best solution what do they do send me to live with a couple who would lead me to the most severe of my abuse.

This was the year when life began to fail and I realized I had to find a way to get through there was no escaping life that we call hell. I got to be raped once again and told that it was okay though the first time it hurts the second time it feels amazing though. When you become the prey and you drift off to sleep unaware of the people violating you and the record on video that is theres to keep. You are a doll merely another pretty face, you are worthless and belong to this world as a sex slave.

So shall we continue to figure out if my lifestyle is something that I choose no I am going to educate you with my life through the survival and grasping my views. I can continue to flow with hidden truths, sit back in awe because this is the easiest part of her abuse….. But in light through this darkness I remind you it did not occur in vain, instead I met an amazing best friend who figuratively speaking held my hand and stood by me all the way. I love you unconditionally more than words can ever say; along with the gratitude of how I feel today. And I do believe that it says somewhere in a scripture that it is not by chance that we encounter certain beacons who shall call to us as I recall a saying, just for someone to laugh with to merely brighten up my day it creates a smile when you pop up in my notifications I did not expect it to happen that way. You came in like a wrecking ball but swooped me up at the last minute when I had the rope tied tightly around my neck reminding me not to let myself fall.

You have a cigarette and are you ready for more, told you that I would not let you down with me you can never be bored. You think I may have a moment to have some shine, not in my world I find little opportunity for victory to be truly mine. So what is it that you truly do it is simple you just see random things that inspire missions and often you get flighty and just do what you feel inspired to do, but I never run towards things I runaway the best of what it means to settle if you don’t pursue. So for me to remain consistent and not to actually let anxiety push me away well like I said your friendship brightest the rainiest days.

I am done with dwelling on the life on what I felt like during my childhood you see, now I want to focus on the amazing friends who helped me realize how to follow my dreams. The main one is reading this right now I am sure but he has no idea how incredible he is but there is where I come to help him see himself through my eyes and acknowledge his heart because he is genuine and pure. At first I thought that it was a way of belittling me, because of his brutal attempt at telling me bitch slow down do you EVER take a break and breathe… (no…..) But he does not understand it he is my spirit guide and allows me to feel a sense of ease, so I am not trying to figure you out you see. I just merely never imagined a reality where this amazing angel could appear like the one in my dreams… Then again he makes it okay with a simple reminder that he does walk my journey with me.

So without question without a second glance I am going to share with you a story of taking a chance. I never planned on letting any of my pain go, this was a procedure I wanted to let my story die with me though, I never wanted my children to know. I tried to be stealthy and tried to hide the turmoil from within the world wanted to shed light on me and spread gossip and lies on their ideas of my sins. So I released the Kracken and showed the warrior within. Over the past 5 years I can not tell you the lengths that I have grown I have no ability to share with you the relationships that have grown. The level of amazing people that I found to be true but none can let me express how grateful I am that I found the crazy in you. So yes you are a distraction but something easy on the eyes and a friendship that I hold very deep and true. You drive me insane but this is not a far drive for me to endure stop laughing I see you.

So yeah complicated reluctant crazy as can be well hell this is a description of good old mountain girl Amanda Lee, but this comes from a General thank you for being a gentleman and seeing that I lost my footing and helped me keep from falling and being caught gracefully, even though this is a unique web that is being weaved…..

My world my Taffy my sissy lynn